Unexpressed feelings.

Saturday, September 02, 2017


It's been a while....
When I am down, and oh my soul so weary...
When troubles come and my heart burden be....
That I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.....

I don't know what am I feeling, I don't even understand myself.
Physically, mentally, emotionally...am fatigued. Exhausted. Tired. Dehydrated.
In need of something that could burst up my spirit again.
I have never been this down. Twas' deeply hurt inside my mind... and also my heart.

Everyone has their own time, capability, burdens, and commitment. But I don't know what is happening to myself.

What does really hit me?

It's true that this is the phase that we want to achieve something. To gain love, to gain attention, to complete commitments, to roughly complain about something that doesn't work on our way. And at the same time, we want to be happy, joyful and live our day cheerfully like a baby! --chuckles at time

To gain love from someone; even when you don't know which feels is true or not; who is the one; the feelings of afraid to fall in love; the boundaries that you made; the hearts to care; to be instantly caring; miscommunication; bad confession; awkward

To gain attention; to be always with family, to whimper to your parents like a baby, to make something wrongly and being fix by your dad; to be extremely tantrum to eat your food; to be praised as a beautiful and a smart person

To complete commitments; to start early and submit it on time; works get rejected; doesn't have any idea to start over; bad habits in class; bad attitudes on the semester; seems lazy; battling with emotions

To roughly complain; about something that doesn't work like how it should be done; hardly accepts the fact; can't blend well in a group; can't easily brain any complicated instructions and situations; to achieve your ambitions; to beat laziness

That was the fact. People might see like I can't chilling myself, well I don't know. I hardly accepted this semester, I have never been in this situations before. I mean, with this kind of feeling. From my experience, I could still control myself, my emotions back then and I could still complete my assignments. But today, in this semester, I can't brain something. And I am in need to heal myself faster because I can't stand seeing myself being lazy and didn't complete my assignment even they have extended the due date.

I am sorry my family, I am sorry my friends. I do want to change myself, but I want to be assist and supports. By the way, I am sorry for being clingy and wrong at the most of the time. Being antisocial, muted myself, doesn't have any interesting stories to be told; being ignorance. Please, do understand that being myself right now isn't my intentions nor my desire.

I will be back in time when I am ready.

This is not the real Fatihah. She isn't this weak. She is strong and loves to make people happy. But now she's struggling herself to be happy.